I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
