Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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