remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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