Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
