my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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