Apparently you make a good broom.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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