So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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