Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
