Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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