The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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