I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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