i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
