He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I touched a dick in church today
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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