He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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