Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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