the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
