Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
