remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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