After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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