The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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