Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
