I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
