two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize