It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
