census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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