Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
