there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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