FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
