I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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