Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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