were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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