Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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