How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
