EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
