Michael Bay diarrhea
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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