btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
