who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
