3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
then he tried to convert me to islam
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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