how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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