3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
