I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
