Moan for me like Helen Keller
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
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