i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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