Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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