Dual....:-)
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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