I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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