My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
