In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
