My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
