I accidentally had phone sex last night
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
