for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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