when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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