Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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