thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
