apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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