I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
