Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
