Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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