I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
