If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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