Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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