im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Randomize
