I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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