You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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